Joy for some/despair for others

I was supposed to go to a friends wedding last night, but I picked up a shift at work because my date bowed out for some pretty heartbreaking reasons. I needed to be doing something while all my friends were off having fun at the wedding. I feel terrible that I could not be there to share in the couple's joy, but just hearing of the beauty of it all made me want to cry and I know myself well enough that I knew I would've been a complete wreck. You can't share in someone else's joy when it only makes you feel jealous and angry and heartbroken and sad and like life is completely and utterly unfair. Maybe I have lots of maturing to do, maybe I should be able to look beyond my situation and feel joy for others despite it, but I can't.

I hate weddings now, and I don't think I will ever respond yes to another one ever again. (A heartfelt sorry to all my unmarried friends and family who might be reading now) They are beautiful and touching, but of the 7 or 8 I've attended, 4 or 5 of them have caused enough emotional conflict between me and my date, or me and myself to set off seismic changes in my life that have never really been good for me. Weddings seem to set off major depressive episodes in my life. My own went pretty well, but the marriage ended up pretty badly, so I can't even find the hope in weddings anymore. I don't even see the hope in marriage anymore, not that I don't hope the best for all of those friends and family who are married, I just don't hold much hope for it in my life anymore.

I do hold out for hope in love though, and if somehow somewhere I can find such a thing that is true and real I don't need to be married to it to know it is good. You can't really capture love, it needs to be free from the burdens of this world. Adding business agreements to it is never really a good idea, it's like mixing church and state. That is just my view on the whole thing right now, but then I've been burned pretty badly.

The Realm of Men

I have entered the domain typically inhabited by 12-25 yr old boys. I have fallen in love with the fringe/extreme sport of dirt jumping--not with a motorbike or a BMX bike, but the crazy jumping of large piles and gaps of dirt with mountain bikes or their dirt loving cousin, the dirt jump bike. Thinking on it today I have been obsessed with jumping things since I was a kid--never on my bike though. Up until I was 13, before I gained permission to take riding lessons on real horses I made stick horses and set up jump courses built from firewood and scrapwood all over the acre of land that was my yard growing up. Sadly, I actually kept up with this until I was 17, even though I was riding real horses then, but I just had so much fun with it. By that time I could jump over hurdles 4 feet high--maybe I should have been on the track team, but I was never very much of a runner. While I was riding horse I always dreamed of riding show jumpers one day, the most exciting bit of the horse world from a spectator's standpoint, what with horses racing around and flying over 6 foot + obstacles. Unfortunately I never learned to jump very well on a horse due to my first jumping steed being very finicky about whether she was going to jump or not. I went over many an obstacle sans horse. Not much of a confidence builder.

So, I find myself attacking mounds of dirt with my hardtail mountain bike. I have been doing it for about 3 months religiously and I like to think I have progressed pretty nicely in that time. I have only had one crash, yesterday, and that due to a silly tree wandering into my path...not so bad.

I have this crazy dream that perhaps one day I can become really good at this. About 94.8% of my peers will probably think I am insane, as I am 35 and, gasp, a woman. According to the norms of society I should be happily married and home mothering my 2.5 children, but things did not work out so well in that department, so here I am...dreaming of one day hitting 15 foot gaps and doing 360s and maybe even backflips over jumps. I can almost feel the motion in my body as I sit here. I always wanted to be a gymnast when I was a little girl, perhaps this is my chance. I am determined to prove that extreme sports are not solely the domain of young boys, or that they need to be started while you are still young and spry. I will become AWESOME at this, and I hope my friends will encourage me to keep on keepin on when the crashes are hard and the skills plateau.

In the words of one who has encouraged me in this adventure for the past few weeks:
"Hell Yeah!"

Looking out into the great beyond

I am at a crossroads, trapped again in this great tower I have created for myself, this place I come time and again, but which only makes me feel trapped and less like myself. I longingly stare from its window into the distance. I don't see much hope on the horizon and I don't know how to get down to the ground even if I did. My hair is short again--there is no rope this time. I suppose I will have to leap, even though I see nothing out there to leap for, nothing to risk that dangerous distance to the world outside. Only a few short days ago I thought I had a reason to risk it--someone stood at the base of my tower--someone who was willing to catch me and lead me out into the great beyond, but some siren has called him away and he has forgotten his promise to catch me, so I will have to go on my own perhaps. "Sometimes your only means of transportation is a leap of faith"