Joy for some/despair for others

I was supposed to go to a friends wedding last night, but I picked up a shift at work because my date bowed out for some pretty heartbreaking reasons. I needed to be doing something while all my friends were off having fun at the wedding. I feel terrible that I could not be there to share in the couple's joy, but just hearing of the beauty of it all made me want to cry and I know myself well enough that I knew I would've been a complete wreck. You can't share in someone else's joy when it only makes you feel jealous and angry and heartbroken and sad and like life is completely and utterly unfair. Maybe I have lots of maturing to do, maybe I should be able to look beyond my situation and feel joy for others despite it, but I can't.

I hate weddings now, and I don't think I will ever respond yes to another one ever again. (A heartfelt sorry to all my unmarried friends and family who might be reading now) They are beautiful and touching, but of the 7 or 8 I've attended, 4 or 5 of them have caused enough emotional conflict between me and my date, or me and myself to set off seismic changes in my life that have never really been good for me. Weddings seem to set off major depressive episodes in my life. My own went pretty well, but the marriage ended up pretty badly, so I can't even find the hope in weddings anymore. I don't even see the hope in marriage anymore, not that I don't hope the best for all of those friends and family who are married, I just don't hold much hope for it in my life anymore.

I do hold out for hope in love though, and if somehow somewhere I can find such a thing that is true and real I don't need to be married to it to know it is good. You can't really capture love, it needs to be free from the burdens of this world. Adding business agreements to it is never really a good idea, it's like mixing church and state. That is just my view on the whole thing right now, but then I've been burned pretty badly.